Grief and The Grieving Process

What is Grief?

Everyone experiences grief at some point in their life. The process of grieving will look different for everyone. Grief and loss are essentially two sides of the same coin. The former is the emotional response we feel when we lose a loved one or something is taken from us, i.e., we suffer loss. The pain can be overwhelming depending on your past experiences and trauma. From shock and anger to disbelief, guilt, and deep-seated sadness, grief takes you on a wild ride of emotions that your mind may need time to comprehend while you process the emotional experiences.

The pain of grief can present physical symptoms where life can become difficult to bear. These are all “normal” reactions, and the intensity can vary depending on the significance of your loss.

Any loss can cause grief. Common examples include:

●      Retirement

●      Miscarriage

●      Divorce

●      Breakup

●      Health issues

●      Death of a loved one

●      A loved one falls seriously ill

●      Loss of a friend

●      Job loss

●      Relocation

●      Loss of safety following a traumatic incident

Among others.

The Connection Between Grief and Loss

To understand the connection between grief and loss, let’s take the loss of a relationship as an example. When we lose someone, we feel as if we have lost a part of ourselves. When we are involved in a serious relationship, we adopt some of our partner’s behaviors and tendencies to feel closer to them. We experience life’s moments together and develop that shared experience which may be significant to our understanding of ourselves and how we relate to that experience.

When that connection is severed (because of divorce, death, a breakup, etc.), we suddenly have to function as a single, independent person again. This includes learning new rules to operate in a new reality far from the perceived rose-tinted one we were involved in with our loved ones.

Grief vs. Grieving

While grief is a high emotional state that can level even the strongest individual, it comes in waves. The first wave can feel brutal and knock us down in a loop. When we come out of it dazed and confused, that’s when ‘grieving’ tends to start for many. The duration of grieving varies. While short for some, it can last for years for others.

When does grieving a loss feel less painful in the present moments for a person? It happens when we adapt to the fact that we have suffered a loss and decide to rewrite the meaning of the loss to propell us to move forward with the new meaning we have written in our heart and mind. The act of grieving is us carrying the weight of that loss. This difference is essential as grief stems from loss, so in a sense, while the pain may diminish with time, the emotional connection we have with the said loss will remain. It will just have a subtler presence as we move forward in our life.

For example, a woman who loses her mother will ‘feel’ her presence during her wedding as she carries her absence down the aisle. A single dad who lost his wife to an accident will feel her presence as he sees his kids off for their first day of school. That response to loss is part of the grieving process. The emotion, which felt overwhelming at the point of loss, lessens in intensity, and may perhaps change with time. At some point, we finally say to ourselves that while we hate the situation we are in the present, we recognize it and move through it with the intent of moving forward.

Types of Grief

Once you suffer a loss, you can experience two types of grief – adaptive and non-adaptive.

What is Adaptive Grief?

People who manage to go through life and change their relationship with grief and loss are experiencing adaptive grief. As they cope and accept the changes that the loss has made in their lives, they adapt to their new circumstances as they move forward to live with the experienced loss.

They do that by finding ways to buffer those devastating emotions and accepting that life will never look or feel the same again, and that it is okay. To an individual experiencing adaptive grief, the emotion is a constant companion they cope with by turning to healthy coping mechanisms. For example, these individuals may increase their connection with people around them.

More common ways people adaptively cope include the following:

●      Begin Gardening

●      Listening or Creating Music

●      Getting Involved with Art

●      Exercising

●      Reading Books on Grief

●      Begin Meditation

●      Taking Short or Long walks

●      Start Journaling their Experiences Around the Loss

Among other positive distractions that can help them re-focus on their mental health.

Some people may also thrive again by speaking to a psychotherapist or enlist themselves in support group, where they can begin the process of healing from the loss or find closure. Others may also experience healing by practicing self-care activities such as Reiki, acupuncture, deep tissue massage, yoga, and Tai Chi, just to name a few. Some may also heal by giving back to the community though volunteering at soup kitchens or animal shelters.

Non-Adaptive (Maladaptive) Grief

If your grief strengthens the experience of emotional suffering rather than lessen with time, it may be a non-adaptive grieving process, especially if you find yourself isolating, not attending to your day-to-day activities, and or reacting in ways that are not typical for you. Individuals who often experience these tend to experience maladaptive thoughts and engage in dysfunctional behaviors such as increased substance use.

The non-adaptive state may also involve yearning, sadness, or longing, accompanied by memories or thoughts of the subject of the loss. In other words, grief dominates the person’s life, and the future looks bleak. In extreme cases, the grieving individual may also think that their lost loved one will return to them.

For some people, non-adaptive grief can trigger avoidance behaviors. For example, they may actively avoid specific experiences or places that trigger painful memories of their loss. This can include places they used to visit with their lost loved ones, such as the beach, the park, their place of work, etc.

Some may take the opposite approach by trying to keep the memories alive as long as possible. These maladaptive ways of grieving can feel insurmountably challenging, although these may be helpful to some toward rewriting the meaning of the loss in their life, especially when they surround themselves with totems or reminders of the people they lost. Common examples include pictures, clothing, voice recordings, and anything else that can give them the ‘hit’ they need.

People who suffer from complex grief like this ignore their own emotional, social, and physical needs. They can lose interest in food, hygiene, exercise, and become shut-ins. They may also feel guilty if they show signs of recovery by, saying, laughing at a joke or enjoying a hobby as they believe by doing so, they are betraying their lost loved one’s memory.

Grief and grieving a loss may feel difficult at times, and that is okay.

Getting Therapy from a Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Getting over a loss is never easy, but if you allow grief to take over your life, you may be the one who is lost in this present moment of your life. At this point, it may be beneficial for you to seek talk therapy.